I was on my way home this morning and “The World Is Ugly” started. Whole morning I’ve been calm and almost at peace because Gerard said what I wanted to hear, I felt really said about how he (and others) felt about playing and making music and it made me realize it really is for the best (it is, because I want them to be happy, they deserve it so much), but then that song started and there were all those lyrics about telling goodbye and leaving and sorry and are you thinking of me and words that burn ‘cause they are hard to say and the empty when you go, and I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I started crying and couldn’t stop, I cried the rest of the way home, I came home and started crying even more and for a moment it felt like I can’t even breathe. And even though I calmed down a little bit there are still tears. And I don’t even know what am I crying about anymore, because I don’t want a band that does not want to be a band, and I want them to be happy but I also want a place where I belong and where people understand me and not a place built on memories, I want a place where new songs come out, where I can be happy I have money saved for next tour and a place where I know I will be able to see them live on the next tour, this was my life for so many years that I just don’t know how to stop. I mean their songs will always inspire me to make stuff, there always will be quotes, lyrics and photos, and I still have their music and videos, but now it all hurts and I don’t want it to hurt, I don’t want to be sad. I wan’t to be a happy mcr blog that can come home after a shitty day at work, log into tumblr, make a new mcr poster and chat with friends about upcoming album. I know this is egoistic and maybe after a while I will even hate myself about being this selfish, but now I don’t have my happy place. Everyone here is sad, every song makes me cry, my dashboard is full with “goodbyes” and “thank yous” and people crying and I don’t know what to do. Because no matter what happened in life, I had this place to make me happy. And I don’t know how to find a new happy place, I really don’t know.
I just hope one day gratefulness will overcome sadness, that one day these songs will make me want to do things and be better and be great again, that my favourite song won’t make me cry and that I will be able to look back at all the memories and smile. Because hope is the only thing I have right now. Hope and knowladge that this is for the best, that this is what will make them happy. And maybe that’s enough to heal. Maybe.