You know.

You know,

it’s sad to have to accept certain things as what they are, especially when they are not so good things.

I can say without a doubt that it makes me sad knowing how many people I’ve never met may be struggling with their own things, and even though I’ve never met them, something inside me wishes it can do something to make everyone’s life a little more doable. Yeah not everyone is down in the dumps all the time, but for the people who get caught in ruts here and there, I wish it were my place to do more.

Because nothing gets to me more than watching someone lose control, and hope and then end up in a mess of their own creation, behind walls they may not be able to tear down.

We all want to be safe, and we all want to be acknowledged and even though I’m not the strongest, it makes me stronger to know I must be strong for someone more than myself.

Because if I can help someone, no matter who, if I can make a positive difference in someone’s life, turn them away from the darkness and let the light in, it helps me.

It reminds me that the earth is not a cold dead place.

I want to do so much, but even then things hold me back and sometimes I look around and reach out, and each time I go down, getting up is a little easier and the sting does not stay as long.

I’m just rambling like an idiot at 7AM, but to anyone reading this, if you’re doing well, share the wealth, and if you aspire to adjust your state of being, there are people who want to offer what they can because you are not alone. No one is. Seven billion people, and we all sometimes feel abandoned or alone, but if it counts for anything, ever since i felt it, I couldn’t let myself or anyone around me feel that way.

Relax. Life is good. Just keep breathing. Enjoy your Wednesday 🙂

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What Darkness Brings by C.S.Harris

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The death of a notorious London diamond merchant draws aristocratic investigator Sebastian St. Cyr and his new wife Hero into a sordid world of greed, desperation, and the occult, when the husband of Sebastian’s former lover Kat Boleyn is accused of the murder.

Regency England, September 1812: After a long night spent dealing with the tragic death of a former military comrade, a heart-sick Sebastian learns of a new calamity: Russell Yates, the dashing, one-time privateer who married Kat a year ago, has been found standing over the corpse of Benjamin Eisler, a wealthy gem dealer. Yates insists he is innocent, but he will surely hang unless Sebastian can unmask the real killer.

For the sake of Kat, the woman he once loved and lost, Sebastian plunges into a treacherous circle of intrigue. Although Eisler’s clients included the Prince Regent and the Emperor Napoleon, he was a despicable man with many enemies and a number of dangerous, well-kept secrets—including a passion for arcane texts and black magic. Central to the case is a magnificent blue diamond, believed to have once formed part of the French crown jewels, which disappeared on the night of Eisler’s death. As Sebastian traces the diamond’s ownership, he uncovers links that implicate an eccentric, powerful financier named Hope and stretch back into the darkest days of the French Revolution.

When the killer grows ever more desperate and vicious, Sebastian finds his new marriage to Hero tested by the shadows of his first love, especially when he begins to suspect that Kat is keeping secrets of her own. And as matters rise to a crisis, Sebastian must face a bitter truth—that he has been less than open with the fearless woman who is now his wife.
There are few things that I love more than being able to solve a crime with Sebastian St. Cyr, the Viscount of Deviln. And in the eight installment of this mystery series, C.S. Harris did not disappoint me. I have come to develop expectations about what each of these books will give me as a reader: there will be a mystery, there will be romance, there will be a well-researched historical background, and there will be adventure. But what Harris has managed to do so well over the course of this series is develop her characters. You’d think that things would begin to feel stale once you reach the eighth book in a series, yet it does not. Sebastian, Gibson, Hero, Jarvis, Hendon, and Kat are all returned as characters, with the intwining relationships between all of these characters becoming more complicated and more realized, especially once Kat’s husband is arrested for murder — which is where this story starts off.

Benjamin Eisler, an elderly gem dealer, is found shot in his home by his nephew, with Kat’s husband standing over the body. Being at the scene of the crime the implications against the man are strong and he is quickly thrown into jail to await trial. But things are not what they seem. Eisler was well-known and heavily disliked. His secrets are numerous and his treatment of others is debaucherous; even Sebastian is forced to admit that there is potentially a list of hundreds of people who would have wanted to kill him. In an attempt to assist Kat to free her husband, Sebastian gets involved in the case, eventually discovering that Eisler seemed to be in possession of the Hope Diamond, which was stolen twenty years ago during the revolution of France and that had once belonged to King Louis XVI. Why did Eisler have the diamond? Could that have been a factor responsible for his death? And how do so many people seem to know that Eisler was in possession of the diamond? Who did he try to sell it for? So many questions must be pondered and explored for Sebastian and us to understand the crime better.

Besides the characters, what I enjoy so much about these books are the mystery. I have still been unable to figure out “who done it” until Sebastian does, and I appreciate being given that high amount of anticipation.

4 out of 5 stars.

What Is The Value of Philosophy?

To understand the value of philosophy is to also discover it’s meaning. Philosophy, as a constant, is how one lives life. It is the active force that leads us into every decision. Whether it’s acknowledged or not, every one lives with, and by, a philosophy. Its value is itself in that it provides the principles and knowledge that everyone has obtained and is influenced by. Although this is what philosophy is defined as, the underlying infinitive of the word is to think. Thinkingis unquestionably the most thrilling aspect of being alive, and should be an immensely valuable feature to everyone’s time spent here. Whether it’s the questions we’re constantly asking, the meaning we apply to ourselves, or the opinions we generate, thought surrounds us everyday and is constantly changing.

It’s unknown to us all what the greater significance of being able to think is; are we collectively conscious of each other all the time? Do we have two consciousnesses, one that provides the current intuition we are formulating now and the other connected by a universal energy? Is consciousness an illusion all together in itself? Is there meaning to any of our thoughts? Or are we all just mentally precocious organisms that are constantly tortured with ideas that routinely throw us off from realizing that the mere purpose of living as an animal is to survive?

Valuing philosophy to me, as a process, is what reminds me to maintain unique purpose in my life and to recognize the ultimate truth about my existence, and its limits. The reality that is prevailing for me is equally fascinating and terrifying, but to be reminded of its presence is essential to keeping composure. It’s necessary for me to ask questions often, but to not dwell on what I can’t answer in this form. Life is a unique experience and too many of us live it by forgetting this truth often. We exist somehow amidst the vast complexity of the universe, assembled by elements and between mysterious dimensions. Somehow we thrive on a planet that is small and lonely yet so lush and voluminous; how can this not be absolutely astonishing? Time is continuously pushing forward, never pausing, evolution persisting all the while – and so our existence is limited, accordingly. Even with only so much possible to achieve while we are breathing, we need to continuously push ourselves so that we can experience more than we feel capable of. It’s not morbid to live with the knowledge that dying is inevitable, so I personally try to graciously remind myself of this fact, so that I can more often appreciate the time I’ve been given to exist.

In comparison to this personal mantra I’ve elaborated on, our philosophy class has recently been discussing the idea that humans are the virus of the earth – something prompted by the movie The Matrix (directed by the Wachowski Brothers), and something that has especially caught my attention. Unfortunately, I must admit that as I first contemplated this idea, I tended to agree with this claim almost entirely. As a species, human beings have evolved into a civilization that ultimately desires destroying all pain, while at the same time creating it, and ignoring it. We have mostly eradicated natural selection, we’ve created a society with patterns, morals, general opinions, and rigid laws; we follow leaders we don’t have good reason to trust other than for security, and base our most intimate desires on the general ambitions of others and of those before us – paths that do not fail, or succeed, but merely get us by in life before we are dead – there isn’t such a thing as thinking for ourselves anymore, it’s all a community effort to decide what’s seemingly best for someone. Along with the remark agent Smith makes in the movie about humans not being mammals, but simply viruses, is actually true by definition – at least by the definition we’ve created in our own languages. Biologically we are mammals, but we don’t adapt to the environment like typical mammals do, we spread. We take, destroy, multiply, and focus on the immediate, egotistical self that is the shell of all of us, rather than the one self that is within. We do not want to feel any pain. Our life aspirations are geared toward receiving worldly possessions, and in return we lose purpose as a part of the planet, and forget about our fundamental needs. The natural urge of the present is to lie, cheat and steal. With all this said, it’s hard to say that none of this is true about the established human that’s prominent in today’s world. But again, although this was all my initial reflection on this concept, I still feel a lingering optimism for the world – as much as it may seem civilization, as we know it, could crumble entirely at any given time.

Despite how corrupt our natural world has become, and despite how dishonest the structure of our communities seem sometimes, there’s tiny glimmers of a better part of us all that is revealed at times. Sometimes we have to search for these fleeting traces of good-heartedness, but can make all the difference in a day and even grow into a significant amount of hope. This too connects back to what originally was mentioned; we simply exist, is that not an astonishing experience as is? In spite of so many impurities, human beings are capable of valuable acts such as forgiving, accepting, helping, balancing, understanding, imagining, and changing – whether or not we’ve previously judged that the recipient of our kind deeds deserve them – are all major feats that seem so simple and petty that they could not possibly have a dominating effect on the betterment of another spirit or community.

In my own experience on the earth, I’ve learned to accept feeling numbed by the monotony of everyday life so often that I can certainly guarantee now, with all my power and reinforced by all the knowledge that I’ve acquired, that all of these small actions actually can make all the difference in the life which surrounds us, and we’re a part of. On my worst days, it’s been the smallest efforts and reminders amidst me that have kept me held together for just a little while longer. Even behind the opportunities to have conversations with people I care about, or feeling welcomed in the life of someone else, there’s also always the humblest of things others do that keep me hopeful. No matter how spiritual any of us are, it’s important to realize this universal truth; we are literally all one consciousness that everything exists from. There is this dimension of reality where we are all inseparably one. Separation is merely an illusion – and when we feel love in any form, it has the ability to shatter that illusion. It is important to make life about realizing that we are the universal spirit observing from a particular point of view – (this is actually what is known as enlightenment). We have to make it a point to achieve empathy and compassion with as many others as we can in this time, because in the end, our relationships with others defines who we are – the soul is the reflection of all other souls. We must treat others as we would treat ourselves, and love them accordingly.

To quote philosopher Bertrand Russell in his work ‘The Value of Philosophy’, “Philosophy, though unable to tell us with certainty what is the true answer to the doubts which is raises, is able to suggest many possibilities which enlarge our thoughts and free them from the tyranny of custom.” Philosophy is not transient; it is evolving and working to its greatest potentials as we make it a real process. The value of its nature is not to find the answers to anything; it is to simply evaluate the questions we are asking, and to discover meanings within those questions, which can alter the lifestyle of those who ask them, in a beneficial way.

We are the products of immense intelligence, lost in a world that is absorbing the expandability of the thoughts created by the average thinker. But there’s hope in myself based on the life I am currently experiencing in this earthly vessel, that there is an empathetic part of us all that can spark a new beginning, on any scale, at any time. We are each a separate viewpoint from the same questions being asked, and that’s why I know deep in myself that there’s so much potential to exist among compassionate beings who equally share the same healthy organic world, and likewise look after it with continuous organization. The value of philosophy is to gain wisdom from the questions we ask. Therefore, it is important to ask questions – not for the answers, but to explore the pristine consciousness that is uncovered when asking the same questions that we all likewise wonder about at one point or another in our lives. We are all breathing the same air, craving the answers to the same uncertainties, all while alive in the same plane of existence as each other – and to me, that is beauty enough in itself.

Again.

I refuse to write a sappy post about the unbalanced inconveniences in my life, and that I am trying my hardest to hold a metaphorical tight fist. It’s true that my expressions show a calm nature, because the world around me is hurricane and I just stand in the middle in the eye of the storm. I’ve have perfected my composure, that I could fool the closest family & friends involved in my life. Though, I am still expressing myself and it’s true opinions, ideologies, and thoughts…I just refuse to wear my heart on my sleeve. I will not share my heart with anyone. You can call it selfish, but I call it safety. 

People just have a hard time understanding that I am perfectly fine alone. Doesn’t mean that I am a recluse and live this dark morbid life in solitude. I have my good friends and I am very close to my family. Happiness for me is created by those individuals; I am truly blessed. My life is carefree and easy for me to handle without the stress of a partner. My friends and family understand my mood swings and know how to work around my flaws. Their support keeps my feet anchored in the ground.

I don’t have the patience and time to deal with men that mess with my heart. All I have ever asked from my partner is honesty, loyalty, respect, communication, and passion. Oh, and also my space when I am having my manic fits. You can’t cage me, and change me. You have to allow me to be the free spirit that I am. Also, I don’t understand how hard it is to meet me 50/50 in a relationship. Sure, it’s work, but if you really care about someone it’s well worth it. I’ve stuck my heart out for a few people that I have dated, so far I wasted my time and they were undeserving. I don’t want to wait around for that right one to find me and actually give me what I ultimately deserve. I’m better off single making my self happy and living a life without my heart being dragged through the mud. How hard is that for anyone to understand?

Hopeless

           I don’t know what to do. I have felt this hopeless only one other time in my life; and I have prayed that I would never feel this way again. God must not have heard. Where the last tragedy hit hard and fast like a train; this one is approaching much slower. I can see the train; it is just taking off, yet to build up a proper head of steam. I still have time. There was nothing I could do to make it right last time. The damage had already been done, he was already gone. All I could do was stand there, hold his sister while she cried, and save my own tears for another time. I can only imagine the hell that he had been going through leading him to do it. We weren’t close enough for me to have a real impact on him. At least that is what I tell myself. I still hate myself for not trying; I didn’t even attempt to talk to him about anything. He was family, and though nobody will ever believe it, I failed him. While I’m being honest I might as well admit that I am failing his sister as well. I will not fail my little brother. I will not let him lose. I will fight for the little shit and I will do it with all that I’ve got because I am not losing another brother.