“I wonder if yo…

“I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me. That you
are a child playing with matches and I have a paper body.
You will meet a girl with a softer voice and stronger arms and she
will not have violent secrets or an affection for red wine or eyes
that never stay dry. You will fall into her bed and I’ll go back
to spending Friday nights with boys who never learn my last name.

I have chased off every fool who has tried to sleep beside me
You think it’s romantic to fuck the girl who writes poems about you.
You think I’ll understand your sadness because I live inside my own.
But I will show up at your door at 2 am, wild-eyed and sleepless.
and try and find some semblance of peace in your breastbone
and you will not let me in. You will tell me to go home.”

Again.

I refuse to write a sappy post about the unbalanced inconveniences in my life, and that I am trying my hardest to hold a metaphorical tight fist. It’s true that my expressions show a calm nature, because the world around me is hurricane and I just stand in the middle in the eye of the storm. I’ve have perfected my composure, that I could fool the closest family & friends involved in my life. Though, I am still expressing myself and it’s true opinions, ideologies, and thoughts…I just refuse to wear my heart on my sleeve. I will not share my heart with anyone. You can call it selfish, but I call it safety. 

People just have a hard time understanding that I am perfectly fine alone. Doesn’t mean that I am a recluse and live this dark morbid life in solitude. I have my good friends and I am very close to my family. Happiness for me is created by those individuals; I am truly blessed. My life is carefree and easy for me to handle without the stress of a partner. My friends and family understand my mood swings and know how to work around my flaws. Their support keeps my feet anchored in the ground.

I don’t have the patience and time to deal with men that mess with my heart. All I have ever asked from my partner is honesty, loyalty, respect, communication, and passion. Oh, and also my space when I am having my manic fits. You can’t cage me, and change me. You have to allow me to be the free spirit that I am. Also, I don’t understand how hard it is to meet me 50/50 in a relationship. Sure, it’s work, but if you really care about someone it’s well worth it. I’ve stuck my heart out for a few people that I have dated, so far I wasted my time and they were undeserving. I don’t want to wait around for that right one to find me and actually give me what I ultimately deserve. I’m better off single making my self happy and living a life without my heart being dragged through the mud. How hard is that for anyone to understand?

Lost.

i always compare people to my friends at home. don’t get me wrong, i appreciate everything my friends here have for me and i was love them forever for that; but when you’re spent 7 years with the exact same group of friends it’s hard not to compare. i always wish i was back with them and i was tell people that they’re the ones who get who i really am. but then i facetime a bunch of them tonight while they’re getting ready and i can feel something’s changed. it started with them listening to a completely different type of music to what they used to, then with them having different sayings and conversation topics. i couldn’t help but wonder what they must think of me now? do they think i’ve changed? they didn’t even speak to me for half the time i was on, and sat listening to their conversations. i guess i just thought that time would stand still while i was gone, that they wouldn’t grow up… but they have and now i’m scared that they won’t like me, because i truly haven’t grown up that much. if anything, i feel i’ve just gone backwards. my mind’s a mess. i don’t know who i actually am anymore. 

Hopeless

           I don’t know what to do. I have felt this hopeless only one other time in my life; and I have prayed that I would never feel this way again. God must not have heard. Where the last tragedy hit hard and fast like a train; this one is approaching much slower. I can see the train; it is just taking off, yet to build up a proper head of steam. I still have time. There was nothing I could do to make it right last time. The damage had already been done, he was already gone. All I could do was stand there, hold his sister while she cried, and save my own tears for another time. I can only imagine the hell that he had been going through leading him to do it. We weren’t close enough for me to have a real impact on him. At least that is what I tell myself. I still hate myself for not trying; I didn’t even attempt to talk to him about anything. He was family, and though nobody will ever believe it, I failed him. While I’m being honest I might as well admit that I am failing his sister as well. I will not fail my little brother. I will not let him lose. I will fight for the little shit and I will do it with all that I’ve got because I am not losing another brother.

Destroying.

She destroys her self in a odd way. She lets others destroy her. She lets them come into her life making her think that they are different and will treat her right. But she knows they are just like the rest of them. Yet she falls for it every time. She lets them take what they want from her in hopes that they will stay. But she is too difficult and they leave. Who wants to handle a pretty girl with internal problems? No one does. She will never be loved. No one will ever care for her poor petty little soul. So she lets everyone come and go. Just to enjoy those few moments when they act like they care and love her. Its all she needs at times. Even if it fucks her more up in the end when she is alone. They all take bits and parts of her for she doesn’t care. Because maybe one day there will be nothing left and she can leave this cold world.